My darling, I’m sorry. I’m sorry it didn’t work out even though you tried your hardest, and gave it everything you had to give. I know how much you wanted this relationship to work and how committed you were to making that happen. You did your best and yet I know you feel like, once again, your best just wasn’t good enough. You’re exhausted, and your heart is tired and weary. You’ve loved so hard and so deeply so many times. You’ve had enough. I understand.
You’ve often wondered how it could be possible that your heart is capable of loving as much as it does and as many times as it has when it feels like you’ve received so little love and care in return.
You’ve tried to make changes, to make it better, to make you better. You’ve read the books, done the courses, talked to therapist after therapist, all because you are so committed to getting it right. To getting love right.
You’ve reflected on your actions, dissected every argument, and taken responsibility, often not just for your part but for theirs as well. You’ve written more love letters and apology notes than you can count or remember. You’ve attempted to glean the lesson from every failed attempt and learn from these mistakes so that you don’t make them again. You’re always trying to be better. You continue to give your everything to love, and yet you find yourself still alone. How can this be? I hear you ask. What more do I have to do?
You look around at your friends, at strangers, at anyone flanked by a lover and wonder how they do it. What do they have that you don’t? What do they know that you’re not privy to? You catch the glistening diamonds on the ring fingers of other women and question why them and not you?
You wonder what it must feel like to have someone love you so much they are willing to make a lifelong commitment. A loving relationship is the only thing you’ve ever truly wanted yet it’s the one thing that continues to elude you no matter how hard you try or how intensely you love. You just don’t understand. Love shouldn’t be like this. Love shouldn’t leave you hurting the way it has and always seems to.
You’ve cried yourself to sleep on so many nights, prayed to a God you’re not even sure you believe in and written so many diary entries you no longer know who or where to turn to. What you do know is that you simply can’t go on loving the way you have been. Your heart is depleted from extending itself to those who probably didn’t deserve it in the first place. You know something has to change, but you no longer have the energy to figure out what that is or how to do it. Put simply; you’re loved out.
And yet you’ve only ever believed that the sole purpose of life is to love and be loved. It’s the reason you’re here. It’s what drives you to wake up each morning and step out into this crazy and mystical world that is so in need of more love. You long to experience being in a conscious relationship that serves and inspires others rather than causes more suffering, both to yourself or your partner.
You live on the fuel of hope that maybe, just maybe, today might be the day when you finally wander into the path of your Beloved, the one you’ve spent your whole life looking for and the one who you know is looking for you. But that day never seems to come. Instead, you keep wandering into the path yet another representation of the love and nurturing you never properly received as a child. You simply can’t on like this. There’s nothing more you can do.
My darling, when love has exhausted you and worn you down to last tear, there is one thing you can do. It’s the only thing you can do right now: rest.
Rest your head, rest your body but mostly rest your heart.
Close the curtains, turn off the lights, climb into bed, place your head on the softness of your pillow. Pull the covers up under your chin, close your eyes and let the darkness gently embrace you. Breathe. Cry if you want. Give yourself permission to feel it all. Know that you’re safe.
Know also that you’re not going to be here forever and the world isn’t going to fall apart if you take a few hours or days away from it. You won’t break or collapse by curling up in a ball for a while. You just need to rest and to let your weary heart heal. Sleep for as long or as little as you need. Know that your heart is sleeping with you.
Eventually, you will wake and so will your heart. You will rise, and your heart will rise with you. You will love again because that it what the heart does and that is what you were brought to this earth to do. And be. But for now, my darling, you’re tired and exhausted. You have nothing left to give anyone, so don’t. Take what you need instead. Take rest, my love. Take rest.
First published on Thought Catalog